Jokes and Anecdotes

 

            Sometimes we need to lighten up, not take life so seriously. And sometimes life does not seem to offer enough circumstance for laughter as we need. So in that regard, here is a page of humor and jokes that will lighten things up a bit. Jokes are first and anecdotes are below.

            Some of these jokes are religiously or philosophically oriented, and others are just for fun. Take your pick. Plus we are adding more on a continual basis, so if you have any that are good clean fun that you would like to send, be my guest. We will add them to the page.


 

THE RED PHONE

            This is a joke that I often tell, with my own embellishments, while on lecture tours in India. You’ll see why.

            There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

            “Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”  

            “Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”

            “No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

            So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.

            The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”

            “Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

            “Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

            So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

            Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.

            “Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

            “Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”

            “Please do,” responded the priest.

            So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”

            The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”

            “What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

            “Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”


 

MOST FAMOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED

            One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

            An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

            Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

            Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

            As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"


 

NEW BIBLICAL REVELATIONS

            This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

 

 

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
*    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
*    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
*    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands
*    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*    Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
*    Don't l et worry kill you off - let the Church help.
*    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
*    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
*    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
*    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
*    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
*    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 


AL-GEBRA TERRORIST GROUP NOTED IN CANADA

            This is a very serious threat, particularly for young people. Please take extra precautions in your lives. Please also share this important information with your friends, so that no harm comes to them too.

            At Toronto's Pearson airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator. Justice Minister Ann McLelland believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

            Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

            Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the

circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As an American President would say, Read my ellipse.

            Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.



IN RABBIT HEAVEN

            Once there was a married couple who promised each other that who ever died first would come back to tell the other what heaven was like. It happened to be that the husband died first. And sure enough, one evening the wife heard the voice of her husband, and she asked him, so what was it like.

            He began to describe, “Well, first I get up in the morning and have an organic salad, then I have sex, then I eat again, then in the afternoon I have more sex. Then I have another meal of natural food, and again have more sex in the evening before I go to sleep.”

            The wife was quite surprised at this and asked, “So that is what it is like in heaven.”

            The husband replied, “Who said anything about heaven? I’m a bunny rabbit in Kansas.”


 

A YOGI’S HELL

            Once a yogi who did not fulfill his vows was taken to a special hell. He was brought to a place where he stood in front of three rooms to choose one for his place to serve his time. He was taken to one room where he saw everyone standing on their heads on a cement floor. The yogi imagined how painful it would be to stand on his head on cement and then wanted to see the other room. In the next room he saw everyone standing on their heads on a wooden floor. This wasn’t as bad, yet it would still tough. Then he looked into the third room and saw a group of people sitting at tables having coffee, but they were knee deep in stool. He thought this was quite bad, but he supposed he could tolerate sitting around having coffee all day, even if you were knew deep in stool. So he chose this room. Then the devil that was showing him around said, “OK, just take a seat.”

            So the fallen yogi walked into the room and took a seat at a table and ordered coffee. But a minute later another guy comes in the door. He blows a whistle and yells out, “All right everybody. Coffee break is over, back on your heads.”

 

 

DEATH OF A SENATOR
        A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
        "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
        "No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
        "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
        "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
        "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
        And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
        They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
        The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
        "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
        So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
        "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
        He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
        So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
        "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
        The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

 

 

THE SCIENTIST AND GOD

     A scientist approaches God, and says to Him, "Look, God, we don't need you anymore.  Nowadays, we can do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.  We can transplant organs, giving new life to a dying man, we can cure almost any disease, and we can even clone animals.  It won't be long, and we'll be able to clone humans, too.  So, I'm sorry, but you are just outdated".

     God listens patiently to the scientist and says, "I can see that you believe you don't need me, and I understand.  However, I love you, and I don't want to see you make a big mistake, so why don't we make sure?  I say we should have a man-making contest, just to be sure."

     The scientist replies, "I'll take that challenge". 

    So, God says, "Ok, let's do it the way I did it in the old days, with Adam and Eve".  The scientists says, "No problem", and reaches down to scoop up a handful of dirt.

     "Whoa, hold on there a minute", God says.  "You get your OWN dirt".

 

 

A PROPER CHRISTIAN LADY

        An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

        The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

        As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

        The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

        After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

        He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

        I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

 

A MAN BEFORE ST. PETER

    A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
    "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!'"
    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
    "Just a couple minutes ago."

 

 

 

SPINSTER SISTER
    A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open-heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
    She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
    The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
    The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
    The patient replied, "Well, then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

LOOSE LIVING AND CHEAP WOMEN
        A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
        He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
        The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
        "Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
        The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
        "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

THERE IS NO CHAIR

        An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

        "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

        Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

        A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

        His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"


 

ASHCROFT

General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school in late 2003. After the typical civics presentation to the class, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?"

            Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."

A young girl named Charlene raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?

 

 


POTATO SACKS

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me.

            For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.

            Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand.

            Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can - try to reach a full minute. Relax.

            After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

            After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it...

Stay safe, be well,

 

 

DEAR ABBY

            These are letters Dear Abby has admitted she was at a total loss to answer:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,

            A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

            What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

            I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.

            I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

            I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?

            Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

            I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

            My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

            Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.

            My mother is mean and short-tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?

            You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor. What now?

 

 

MY COMPUTER GUY

            I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

            He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

            I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

            The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

            "No," I replied.

            "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

            I used to like Harold...


 

SERVICE....

            At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service ......." The act of doing things for other people.

            Then I heard the terms: Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Telephone Service, Civil Service, City/County Public Service, Customer Service, Service Stations. And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

            Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

            SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are really doing to us.


 

FOR ALL OF YOU THAT WONDERED....  

            Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost! The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th . . . and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


 

THE HUSBAND SHOP

            A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

            So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

            So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"

            And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

            The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more, further up!"

            And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"

            So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

 

 

 

THE PERFECT WIFE

            I once met a man who said he was looking for the perfect wife. He told me that he needed to find someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, and very spiritually oriented. And yes, he had found such a women. But it did not work out. He said she was so spiritual that she could not easily relate to the practical things in the material world. 

            Then he found someone who was perfect. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized  and practical in material affairs. She was just what he was looking for. But he said that also did not work out. Why? Because she was so practical that she really did not need him so much, and ended up being a bit of a nag, always telling him what he should do. So he still looked for the perfect woman.

            Then he found the perfect wife. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized, practical in  material affairs, as well as spiritually inclined. A perfect balance. No one could be better. She would make just what he was looking for--the perfect wife. 

            So I asked him if they got married. No. Why not? Because she was also looking for the perfect husband.  

 

 

DOES GOD EXIST?
        A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
        When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
        "Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
        "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."
        The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
        The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
        "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
        "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
        "Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
        "Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

 

 

 

A LAWYER IN HEAVEN?

        There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
         They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
        St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday."
        Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
        A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request."
        This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
        In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
        The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
        Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
        Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
        The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"

 

 

HAVING A BAD DAY?

Check these out.... these are actual cases. When you think that things are not going your way... it could be worse.

             Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

            A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

            It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

            You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

 ___________________________________________

 

Still think you're having a bad day?


            A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

            His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

            While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

            After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

            The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

            As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

 ______________________________________________

 

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...


            The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 _____________________________________________

 

Still think you are having a bad day?


            A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she chopped him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 _______________________________________________

 

STILL think you're having a bad day?


            Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

 ____________________________________________

 

What?! STILL having a bad day??

 

            Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

 

 

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW!

        A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.  While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.OO."  

        The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.  The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?  The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."

 

 


THE PASTOR'S ASS

        A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so  high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had
it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.  The next day the local paper carried
this headline:
       
PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
        The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the  race again, and this time it won.  The local paper read:
      
 PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
        The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day, the
local paper headline read:
      
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
        This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
       NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
        The Bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.  The next day, the paper read:
     
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
        This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  Headlines
read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
        The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

 

 

THE AFTER DINNER SPEECH

         Sharmil, a shy person, who could not give an address in public was invited by the King at his palace for a dinner. No one could reject the invitation. The King had a condition that everyone would have to give a speech after the dinner. Any one who would not comply, will be thrown in a cage where a Lion was roaring.
         Everyone spoke a few words and now was the turn of Sharmil. He could not gather the courage and did not speak. Angry at his disobedience, the king ordered him to be thrown in the cage. Every one looked as Sharmil was thrown in the cage. Yet 15 -20 minutes passes and the Lion did not kill Sharmil. Surprised, the king, asked that Sharmil be pardoned and when he came out, asked him the secret as to why the Lion did not eat him?
         Sharmil replied the king, that in the cage he told the Lion that if the Lion ate him, he would have to give the after dinner speech. Since the lion was scared of public speaking, he did not eat Sharmil.
 
 

THE DHOTI
        There was once a Hindu pundit who was wearing a dhoti. Seeking to ridicule the pundit, a British person pulled on the back of the dhoti and asked the pundit what it was. The pundit asked the suited - booted British, what was he wearing in the neck over his shirt. The British replied, it was a Neck Tie, upon which the Pundit showing the back of his dhoti said, "This is my back tie".

 

 
THE DEAF LION
        A man near the forest of Gunar in Gujarat was boasting to the villagers that there was no need to be scared of Lions. In the past he had talked to Lions and asked them to leave whenever they came to their village. One day, a Lion came to the village and everyone remembered the old man who was boasting all the time. The old man was now scared but gathered his courage and went with the villagers to the Lion. He saw the lion from 100 feet and slowly and carefully walked a few steps towards the Lion. He yelled at the Lion, "O stupid Lion, don't you know this is Human Society and you are not allowed here? Go Away".  The Lion simply ignored. The man took a few more steps towards Lion and again told the lion to leave. The whole village was watching this ordeal. As the man took a step forward, the Lion roared. The man suddenly yelled to the villagers, "RUN RUN, this is a Deaf Lion."
 

THE NOBLE KING AND SANSKRIT SLOKAS

        There was a noble king who offered 1000 Gold coins to anyone who composed original Sanskrit verses. Lots of great scholars and Brahmins

came to his Assembly to present their works but every time they found that their work was heard previously. The king had four pundits : one who was Empathy - Who remembered after listening any thing once. Another was Dispatch - Who remembered anything after listening twice. The third one was Tripartite - who remembered anything after listening thrice. The fourth one was Chaturpathi - who remembered anything after listening four times.

        So every time a pundit would come and recite a Sanskrit sloka, the Ekpathi would recite it again. Having heard it twice, the Dwipathi would say,

that this is not original as he also heard this.. and so on.. Thus, the king would not have to give out 1000 Gold coins to any one.

         Once a poor Brahmin after unsuccessfully presenting his work to the king went to Kalidasa and sought his guidance. Kalidasa wrote him an original verse and asked him to present it to the king. The next day, when the Brahmin went to the King's Court and said his original sloka, none of the Pundits recited it back. So the king had to award 1000 Gold coins and then asked the pundits why did not they recite back?

        The pundit told that the meaning of the Sloka was:  "O King, please return the 1000 Gold coins that your father took from my father..."  If they had recited back, then it would prove they had in fact been a witness to the king's father having taken 1000 Gold coins. And as they kept quiet, the king had to give 1000 Gold coins.

 

 

WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION

 

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

 

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for."

"Like what?" he asked.

 

"Well... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

 

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

 

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

 

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

 

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

 

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

 

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."

 

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

{To some people, many similarities are outweighed by only one difference.}

 

 

WHOSE KASHMIR IS IT ANYWAY?

 

        An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly that made the world community smile.
        A representative from India began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Rishi Kashyap of Kashmir, after whom Kashmir is named. When he struck a rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath..' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water...  When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Pakistani had stolen them.'
        The Pakistani representative jumped up furiously and shouted, 'What are you talking about? The Pakistanis weren't there then.'
        The Indian representative smiled and said, 'And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech… And they say Kashmir belongs to them.
'

 

 


 

Anecdotes and Parables

 


SAND AND STONE

            A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: Today my best friend slapped me in the face.

            They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: Today my best friend saved my life.

            The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone, why?"

            The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it. Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone.

         -- Unknown

 

 

YOU ARE SPECIAL
    A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
    In the room of 2000, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
    He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
    "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
    Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
    "Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt...........  by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. 
    "Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by... WHO WE ARE.
    You are SPECIAL... d o n 't  e v e r  f o r g e t  i t.

 

 

PUSH

     A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day.

     For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

     Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

     Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." So that's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a Matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

     "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing? The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?

     "Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.

     "True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

     

     **At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.**

 

When everything seems to go wrong .... just P.U.S.H.!

When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!

When people don't react the way you think they should.... just P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due.... just P.U.S.H.!

When people just don't understand you .... just... P.U.S.H.!

 

P= Pray

U= Until

S= Something

H= Happens

 

 

 

WHY GO TO THE TEMPLE?

        A 'devotee' goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to the Temple .
'I've gone for 30 years now, he wrote, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 mantras. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Gurus are wasting theirs by giving services at all.. "
        This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the editor.. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to the Temple for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
        When you are DOWN to nothing..... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
        Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
        All right, now that you're done reading, send it on!!! I think everyone should read this!!

You gave me strength to carry on,
When my body was so torn.
And lifted me on wings of love,
When my spirit was so worn.

Through all the times when in despair,
When I hung my head in shame.
You came to me when I knelt down,
As I called upon your name.

And when my heart was troubled,
With more heartache than I could bear.
You caught each and every tear I shed,
In a bottle you have up there.

And when I get to Vaikuntha,
I'll kneel before your feet.
You'll wipe away all my tears,
For my soul is yours to keep.

May you and your family be blessed.
Please keep the blessed Lord Krishna moving from house to house.
 

 
WHEN YOUR HUT IS ON FIRE 
    The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
    One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "GOD! How could you do this to me?"
    Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
    The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of GOD.

 

 

 

NAILS IN THE FENCE

        There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

        Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

        "A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us." 

       Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

 

THE PACK OF BISCUITS
        One night there was a woman at the airport who had to wait for several hours before catching her next flight. While she waited she bought a book and a pack of biscuits to spend the time. She looked for a place to sit and waited.
        She was deep into her book, when suddenly she realized that there was a young man sitting next to her who was stretching his hand, with no concern whatsoever, and grabbing the pack of cookies lying between them. He started to eat them one by one.
        Not wanting to make a fuss about it she decided to ignore him. The woman, slightly bothered, ate the cookies and watched the clock, while the young and shameless thief of biscuits was also finishing them.
        The woman started to get really angry at this point and thought, "If I wasn't such a good and educated person, I would have given this daring man a black eye by now."
        Every time she ate a biscuit, he had one too. The dialogue between their eyes continued and when only one biscuit was left, she wondered what was he
going to do.
        Softly and with a nervous smile, the young man grabbed the last biscuit and broke it in two. He offered one half to the woman while he ate the other half.
        Briskly she took the biscuit and thought, "What an insolent man! How uneducated! He didn't even thank me!" She had never met anybody so fresh and sighed relieved to hear her flight announced.
        She grabbed her bags and went towards the boarding gate refusing to look back to where that insolent thief was seated. After boarding the plane and
nicely seated, she looked for her book which was nearly finished by now.
        While looking into her bag she was totally surprised to find her pack of biscuits nearly intact. If my biscuits are here, she thought feeling terribly, those
others were his and he tried to share them with me.
        Too late to apologize to the young man, she realized with pain, that it was her who had been insolent, uneducated and a thief, and not him!!

SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
        How many times in our lives, had we known with certainty that something happened in a certain way, only to discover later that it wasn't true?
        How many times has our lack of trust within us made us judge other people unfairly with our conceited ideas, often far away from reality!
        That is why we have to think twice before we judge others. Let's always give others the benefit of the doubt before we think badly of them!

 

THE INTELLIGENT MULE
        Once upon a time a farmer owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' after it fell into the well. 
        After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
        Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.
        "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
        It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well!
        What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity!!

SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
        That's life! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...the adversities that come
along to bury us usually have within them the potential to benefit and bless us!
        Remember that forgiveness, faith, prayer, self-confidence, determination and hope..all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!

 

 

A PARABLE TO PONDER...

                               

                            THE TRUTH


            Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

            He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring

kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

            He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.

            The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

            One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone."

            Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            "No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word.

            Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart. The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            "No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

            He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            “I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only accompany you to your grave." Her answer came like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.

            Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was so skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

            Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

            In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives: Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good or feel good, it will leave us when we die.

            Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

            Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

            And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

            However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

 

 

 

DID GOD CREATE EVIL?
       
Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?
          A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question: "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
          "God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
          The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."
          The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.
        Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?" "Of course," replied the professor.
        The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The other students snickered at the young man's question.
        The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
        The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does."
        The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir, darkness does not exist, either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton
's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wave lengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
        Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
        To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
        The professor sat down.
        The young man's name - - Albert Einstein....

 

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU RECEIVE YOUR BLESSINGS
      
    A young man was getting ready to Graduate College. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's  showroom, and
knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his
father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but  somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a Holy book Srimad Bhagavad Geeta. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all
your money you give me a Srimad Bhagavad Geeta?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. He never contacted his father again for a long time.

        Many years passed and the young man was
very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and a wonderful family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not  seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things. When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Srimad Bhagavad Geeta, just as he had left it years ago.

        With tears, he opened the Srimad Bhagavad Geeta and began to turn the pages. As he read those
words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Srimad Bhagavad Geeta. It had a tag with the dealer's name,  the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date
of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.

        How many times do we miss GOD'S blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? If this touched your heart, please pass it on, does not matter what religion you belong to...the message is for everyone.

 

 

 

THE DEBATE BETWEEN A PROFESSOR AND DEVOTEE

            An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with Krishna. He asks one of his new students Hiten Raja to stand.

Professor: You are a Hare Krishna devotee, aren't you, son?

Hiten: Yes, sir.

Prof: So you believe in God?

Hiten: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Hiten: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Hiten: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Krishna to heal him. Most of us would

attempt to help others who are ill. But Krishna didn't. How is this Krishna good then? (Hiten

Raja is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Hiten: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Hiten: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Hiten: From...God...

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Hiten: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Hiten: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil?

(Hiten does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the

world, don't they?

Hiten: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them?

(Hiten has no answer.)

Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Krishna?

Hiten: Yes, professor, I do.

Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have

you ever seen Krishna?

Hiten: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Krishna?

Hiten: Yes , sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your Krishna, tasted your Krishna, smelt your Krishna? Have you ever

had any sensory perception o Krishna or God for that matter?

Hiten: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Hiten: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says our Krishna doesn't

exist. What do you say to that, son?

Hiten: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has with Krishna.

Hiten: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Hiten: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Hiten: No sir. There isn't.

(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Hiten: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little

heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero

which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold.

Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is

energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Hiten: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Hiten: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light,

normal light, bright light, flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing

and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be

able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Hiten: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Hiten: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is

death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite,

something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and

magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either on. To view death as the

opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is

not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students

that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Hiten : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)

Hiten : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove

that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a

scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Hiten : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Hiten : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt

it?.....No one appears to have done so. Therefore, according to the established rules of empirical,

stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir,

how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face

unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Hiten Raja: That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

 

 

CARROT, EGG OR COFFEE

        A daughter complained to her father about life and how hard things are for her. She said she wanted to give up as she was tired of struggling. For just as one problem was solved, another arose. 

        Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen, filled three pots with water and placed the fire on high.

        Soon the three pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the other he placed eggs and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter wondered what he was trying to do.

        In half an hour he turned down the fire and took out the contents of the pots and put them in bowls. Turning to her he said, “My dear child, what do you see?” Smartly she replied, “Carrots, eggs and coffee.”

        He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After shelling it, she observed it was hard-boiled now. Finally, he asked her to take a sip of the fragrant coffee. She winced as it was very strong.

        Humbly, she asked, “What does it mean father?” He explained, “Each of them faced the same adversity, 100oC of boiling water. However, each reacted differently. The carrot was strong, hard and unrelenting. But, after going through boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg was fragile. A thin outer shell protected a liquid centre. But after sitting in the boiling water, the inside became hardened. However, the coffee beans are unique. After they were in the boiling water, they became stronger and richer. Which one of these are you?” he asked.

        Are you the carrot that seems hard but with the smallest amount of pain, adversity or heat, you wilt and become soft with no strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? But after a death, breakup, divorce or layoff become hardened and stiff? Your shell looks the same but you are bitter and tough inside. Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean does not get its true flavour until it reaches 100oC. When the water gets hotter, it just tastes better. When things are at their worst, you get better.

        So how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

 

 

THE STORY OF THE WALLET

        Once an old man was traveling by train on a pilgrimage to Brindavan. At night, whilst he was asleep, his wallet fell from his pocket. A co-passenger found it the next morning and enquired as to whom the wallet belonged. The old man said it was his. A picture of Sri Krishna inside the wallet was proof that the wallet really belonged to him.
        The old man then began to relate the story of the wallet. He soon had a group of eager listeners around him. Lifting up the purse for all to see, the old man said: This purse has a long history behind it. My father gave it to me years ago when I was a mere schoolboy. I kept my little pocket money in it and also a photograph of my parents.
        Years passed. I grew up and began studying at university. Like every youth, I became conscious of my appearance. I replaced my parents' photograph with that of my own and I would look at it often. I had become my own admirer.
        Then came marriage. Self-admiration gave way to the consciousness of a family. Out went my own picture and I replaced it with that of my wife's. During the day I would open the wallet many times and gaze at the picture. All tiredness vanished and I would resume my work with enthusiasm.
        Then came the birth of my first child. What a joy I experienced when I became a father! I would eagerly rush home after work to play with my little baby. Needless to say, my wife's picture had already made way for the child's.
        The old man paused. Wiping his tearful eyes, he looked around and said in a sad voice: Friends, my parents passed away long ago. My wife too died five years ago. My son- my only son- is now married. He is too busy with his career and his family. He has no time for me. I now stand on the brink of death. I do not know what awaits me in future. Everything I loved, everything I considered my own, has left me.
        A picture of the Lord now occupies the place in my wallet. I know He will never leave me. I wish now that I had kept HIS picture with me right from the beginning (and HIS thought in my mind)! He alone is true; all others are just passing shadows.
 

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