Jokes and Anecdotes

 

            Sometimes we need to lighten up, not take life so seriously. And sometimes life does not seem to offer enough circumstance for laughter as we need. So in that regard, here is a page of humor and jokes that will lighten things up a bit. Jokes are first and anecdotes are below. Some of these jokes are religiously or philosophically oriented, and others are just for fun. Take your pick. But remember, the jokes are for laughs and not to be taken overly seriously.

 

THE RED PHONE

            This is a joke that I often tell, with my own embellishments, while on lecture tours in India. You’ll see why.

            There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.

            “Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”  

            “Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”

            “No, not at all,” the Pope responded.

            So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.

            The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”

            “Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.

            “Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”

            So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.

            Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.

            “Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.

            “Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”

            “Please do,” responded the priest.

            So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”

            The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”

            “What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”

            “Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”


 

MOST FAMOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED

            One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

            An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."

            Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

            Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

            As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"


 

NEW BIBLICAL REVELATIONS

            This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony

 

 

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
    Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
*    Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
*    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
*    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands
*    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
*    Remember in prayer the many who are sick in our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
*    Don't l et worry kill you off - let the Church help.
*    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
*    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs..
*    Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
*    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
*    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
*    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.
*    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
*    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
*    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
*    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
*    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
*    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
*    Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
*    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
*    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
*    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
*    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 


IN RABBIT HEAVEN

            Once there was a married couple who promised each other that who ever died first would come back to tell the other what heaven was like. It happened to be that the husband died first. And sure enough, one evening the wife heard the voice of her husband, and she asked him, so what was it like.

            He began to describe, “Well, first I get up in the morning and have an organic salad, then I have sex, then I eat again, then in the afternoon I have more sex. Then I have another meal of natural food, and again have more sex in the evening before I go to sleep.”

            The wife was quite surprised at this and asked, “So that is what it is like in heaven.”

            The husband replied, “Who said anything about heaven? I’m a bunny rabbit in Kansas.”


 

DEATH OF A SENATOR
        A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
        "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
        "No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
        "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
        "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
        "I'm sorry but we have our rules."
        And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
        They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
        The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
        "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
        So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
        "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
        He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
        So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
        "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
        The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

 

 

THE SCIENTIST AND GOD

     A scientist approaches God, and says to Him, "Look, God, we don't need you anymore.  Nowadays, we can do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.  We can transplant organs, giving new life to a dying man, we can cure almost any disease, and we can even clone animals.  It won't be long, and we'll be able to clone humans, too.  So, I'm sorry, but you are just outdated".

     God listens patiently to the scientist and says, "I can see that you believe you don't need me, and I understand.  However, I love you, and I don't want to see you make a big mistake, so why don't we make sure?  I say we should have a man-making contest, just to be sure."

     The scientist replies, "I'll take that challenge". 

    So, God says, "Ok, let's do it the way I did it in the old days, with Adam and Eve".  The scientists says, "No problem", and reaches down to scoop up a handful of dirt.

     "Whoa, hold on there a minute", God says.  "You get your OWN dirt".

 

 

A PROPER CHRISTIAN LADY

        An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

        The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

        As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

        The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

        After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

        He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

        I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

 

A MAN BEFORE ST. PETER

    A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
    "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!'"
    St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
    "Just a couple minutes ago."

 

 

THERE IS NO CHAIR

        An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

        "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

        Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

        A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

        His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"


 

ASHCROFT

General Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school in late 2003. After the typical civics presentation to the class, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?"

            Just then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground. Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back in class and again. Ashcroft says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask me questions."

A young girl named Charlene raises her hand and says, "I have five questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama bin Laden yet?

4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?

5. Where's Bobby?

 

 


POTATO SACKS

This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me.

            For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.

            Begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand.

            Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can - try to reach a full minute. Relax.

            After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

            After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it...

Stay safe, be well,

 

 

MY COMPUTER GUY

            I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

            He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

            I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

            The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

            "No," I replied.

            "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

            I used to like Harold...


 

THE PERFECT WIFE

            I once met a man who said he was looking for the perfect wife. He told me that he needed to find someone who was beautiful, kind, loving, and very spiritually oriented. And yes, he had found such a women. But it did not work out. He said she was so spiritual that she could not easily relate to the practical things in the material world. 

            Then he found someone who was perfect. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized  and practical in material affairs. She was just what he was looking for. But he said that also did not work out. Why? Because she was so practical that she really did not need him so much, and ended up being a bit of a nag, always telling him what he should do. So he still looked for the perfect woman.

            Then he found the perfect wife. She was beautiful, kind, loving, intelligent, organized, practical in  material affairs, as well as spiritually inclined. A perfect balance. No one could be better. She would make just what he was looking for--the perfect wife. 

            So I asked him if they got married. No. Why not? Because she was also looking for the perfect husband.  

 

 

DOES GOD EXIST?
        A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
        When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
        "Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
        "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."
        The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.
        The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
        "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
        "No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
        "Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
        "Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

 

 

HAVING A BAD DAY?

Check these out.... these are actual cases. When you think that things are not going your way... it could be worse.

             Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

            A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

            It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

            You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

 ___________________________________________

 

Still think you're having a bad day?


            A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

            His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

            While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

            After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

            The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

            As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

 ______________________________________________

 

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...


            The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 _____________________________________________

 

Still think you are having a bad day?


            A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she chopped him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

 

THE NOBLE KING AND SANSKRIT SLOKAS

        There was a noble king who offered 1000 Gold coins to anyone who composed original Sanskrit verses. Lots of great scholars and Brahmins came to his Assembly to present their works but every time they found that their work was heard previously. The king had four pundits : one who was Empathy - Who remembered after listening any thing once. Another was Dispatch - Who remembered anything after listening twice. The third one was Tripartite - who remembered anything after listening thrice. The fourth one was Chaturpathi - who remembered anything after listening four times.

        So every time a pundit would come and recite a Sanskrit sloka, the Ekpathi would recite it again. Having heard it twice, the Dwipathi would say,

that this is not original as he also heard this.. and so on.. Thus, the king would not have to give out 1000 Gold coins to any one.

         Once a poor Brahmin after unsuccessfully presenting his work to the king went to Kalidasa and sought his guidance. Kalidasa wrote him an original verse and asked him to present it to the king. The next day, when the Brahmin went to the King's Court and said his original sloka, none of the Pundits recited it back. So the king had to award 1000 Gold coins and then asked the pundits why did not they recite back?

        The pundit told that the meaning of the Sloka was:  "O King, please return the 1000 Gold coins that your father took from my father..."  If they had recited back, then it would prove they had in fact been a witness to the king's father having taken 1000 Gold coins. And as they kept quiet, the king had to give 1000 Gold coins.

 

 

WHAT'S YOUR RELIGION

 

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

 

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for."

"Like what?" he asked.

 

"Well... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

 

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

 

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

 

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

 

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

 

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

 

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."

 

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

{To some people, many similarities are outweighed by only one difference.}

 

 


 

Anecdotes and Parables

 


SAND AND STONE

            A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: Today my best friend slapped me in the face.

            They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: Today my best friend saved my life.

            The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone, why?"

            The other friend replied: "When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it. Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone.

         -- Unknown

 

 

YOU ARE SPECIAL
    A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
    In the room of 2000, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
    He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
    "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"
    Still the hands went into the air. "My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
    "Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt...........  by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. 
    "Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by... WHO WE ARE.
    You are SPECIAL... d o n 't  e v e r  f o r g e t  i t.

 

 

PUSH

     A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So, this the man did, day after day.

     For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all of his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

     Since the man was showing discouragement, the adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man.

     Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough." So that's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a Matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.

     "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing? The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?

     "Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have.

     "True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

     

     **At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just a simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means, exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who moves the mountains.**

 

When everything seems to go wrong .... just P.U.S.H.!

When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H.!

When people don't react the way you think they should.... just P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due.... just P.U.S.H.!

When people just don't understand you .... just... P.U.S.H.!

 

P= Pray

U= Until

S= Something

H= Happens

 

 

 

WHY GO TO THE TEMPLE?

        A 'devotee' goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to the Temple .
'I've gone for 30 years now, he wrote, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 mantras. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Gurus are wasting theirs by giving services at all.. "
        This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the editor.. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to the Temple for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!"
        When you are DOWN to nothing..... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
        Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
        All right, now that you're done reading, send it on!!! I think everyone should read this!!

You gave me strength to carry on,
When my body was so torn.
And lifted me on wings of love,
When my spirit was so worn.

Through all the times when in despair,
When I hung my head in shame.
You came to me when I knelt down,
As I called upon your name.

And when my heart was troubled,
With more heartache than I could bear.
You caught each and every tear I shed,
In a bottle you have up there.

And when I get to Vaikuntha,
I'll kneel before your feet.
You'll wipe away all my tears,
For my soul is yours to keep.

May you and your family be blessed.
Please keep the blessed Lord Krishna moving from house to house.
 

 
WHEN YOUR HUT IS ON FIRE 
    The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
    One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "GOD! How could you do this to me?"
    Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
    The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of GOD.

 

 

 

NAILS IN THE FENCE

        There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. 

        Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

        "A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us." 

       Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

 

THE PACK OF BISCUITS
        One night there was a woman at the airport who had to wait for several hours before catching her next flight. While she waited she bought a book and a pack of biscuits to spend the time. She looked for a place to sit and waited.
        She was deep into her book, when suddenly she realized that there was a young man sitting next to her who was stretching his hand, with no concern whatsoever, and grabbing the pack of cookies lying between them. He started to eat them one by one.
        Not wanting to make a fuss about it she decided to ignore him. The woman, slightly bothered, ate the cookies and watched the clock, while the young and shameless thief of biscuits was also finishing them.
        The woman started to get really angry at this point and thought, "If I wasn't such a good and educated person, I would have given this daring man a black eye by now."
        Every time she ate a biscuit, he had one too. The dialogue between their eyes continued and when only one biscuit was left, she wondered what was he
going to do.
        Softly and with a nervous smile, the young man grabbed the last biscuit and broke it in two. He offered one half to the woman while he ate the other half.
        Briskly she took the biscuit and thought, "What an insolent man! How uneducated! He didn't even thank me!" She had never met anybody so fresh and sighed relieved to hear her flight announced.
        She grabbed her bags and went towards the boarding gate refusing to look back to where that insolent thief was seated. After boarding the plane and
nicely seated, she looked for her book which was nearly finished by now.
        While looking into her bag she was totally surprised to find her pack of biscuits nearly intact. If my biscuits are here, she thought feeling terribly, those
others were his and he tried to share them with me.
        Too late to apologize to the young man, she realized with pain, that it was her who had been insolent, uneducated and a thief, and not him!!

SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
        How many times in our lives, had we known with certainty that something happened in a certain way, only to discover later that it wasn't true?
        How many times has our lack of trust within us made us judge other people unfairly with our conceited ideas, often far away from reality!
        That is why we have to think twice before we judge others. Let's always give others the benefit of the doubt before we think badly of them!

 

THE INTELLIGENT MULE
        Once upon a time a farmer owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' after it fell into the well. 
        After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
        Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.
        "Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
        It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well!
        What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity!!

SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
        That's life! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...the adversities that come
along to bury us usually have within them the potential to benefit and bless us!
        Remember that forgiveness, faith, prayer, self-confidence, determination and hope..all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!

 

 

A PARABLE TO PONDER...

                               

                            THE TRUTH


            Once upon a time there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved the 4th wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best.

            He also loved the 3rd wife very much and was always showing her off to neighboring

kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another.

            He also loved his 2nd wife. She was his confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her, and she would help him get through the difficult times.

            The King's 1st wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife. Although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her!

            One day, the King fell ill and he knew his time was short. He thought of his luxurious life and wondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone."

            Thus, he asked the 4th wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            "No way!", replied the 4th wife, and she walked away without another word.

            Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart. The sad King then asked the 3rd wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            "No!", replied the 3rd wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

            He then asked the 2nd wife, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"

            “I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd wife. "At the very most, I can only accompany you to your grave." Her answer came like a bolt of lightning, and the King was devastated.

            Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was so skinny as she suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

            Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"

            In truth, we all have 4 wives in our lives: Our 4th wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good or feel good, it will leave us when we die.

            Our 3rd wife is our possessions, status and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others.

            Our 2nd wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

            And our 1st wife is our Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.

            However, our Soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of us that will follow us to the throne of God and continue with us throughout Eternity.

 

 

 

DID GOD CREATE EVIL?
       
Did God create everything that exists? Does evil exist? Did God create evil?
          A University professor at a well known institution of higher learning challenged his students with this question: "Did God create everything that exists?" A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"
          "God created everything?" The professor asked. "Yes sir, he certainly did," the student replied.
          The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil. And, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then we can assume God is evil."
          The student became quiet and did not answer the professor's hypothetical definition. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that religion was a myth.
        Another student raised his hand and said, "May I ask you a question, professor?" "Of course," replied the professor.
        The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?" "What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The other students snickered at the young man's question.
        The young man replied, "In fact, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 F) is the total absence of heat; and all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."
        The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?" The professor responded, "Of course it does."
        The student replied, "Once again you are wrong, sir, darkness does not exist, either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact, we can use Newton
's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wave lengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."
        Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course, as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily examples of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."
        To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat, or the darkness that comes when there is no light."
        The professor sat down.
        The young man's name - - Albert Einstein....

 

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU RECEIVE YOUR BLESSINGS
      
    A young man was getting ready to Graduate College. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's  showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but  somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a Holy book Srimad Bhagavad Geeta. Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Srimad Bhagavad Geeta?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book. He never contacted his father again for a long time.

        Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and a wonderful family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not  seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things. When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Srimad Bhagavad Geeta, just as he had left it years ago.

        With tears, he opened the Srimad Bhagavad Geeta and began to turn the pages. As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Srimad Bhagavad Geeta. It had a tag with the dealer's name,  the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.

        How many times do we miss GOD'S blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? If this touched your heart, please pass it on, does not matter what religion you belong to...the message is for everyone.

 

 

CARROT, EGG OR COFFEE

        A daughter complained to her father about life and how hard things are for her. She said she wanted to give up as she was tired of struggling. For just as one problem was solved, another arose. 

        Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen, filled three pots with water and placed the fire on high.

        Soon the three pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the other he placed eggs and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter wondered what he was trying to do.

        In half an hour he turned down the fire and took out the contents of the pots and put them in bowls. Turning to her he said, “My dear child, what do you see?” Smartly she replied, “Carrots, eggs and coffee.”

        He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After shelling it, she observed it was hard-boiled now. Finally, he asked her to take a sip of the fragrant coffee. She winced as it was very strong.

        Humbly, she asked, “What does it mean father?” He explained, “Each of them faced the same adversity, 100oC of boiling water. However, each reacted differently. The carrot was strong, hard and unrelenting. But, after going through boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg was fragile. A thin outer shell protected a liquid centre. But after sitting in the boiling water, the inside became hardened. However, the coffee beans are unique. After they were in the boiling water, they became stronger and richer. Which one of these are you?” he asked.

        Are you the carrot that seems hard but with the smallest amount of pain, adversity or heat, you wilt and become soft with no strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? But after a death, breakup, divorce or layoff become hardened and stiff? Your shell looks the same but you are bitter and tough inside. Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean does not get its true flavour until it reaches 100oC. When the water gets hotter, it just tastes better. When things are at their worst, you get better.

        So how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

 

 

THE STORY OF THE WALLET

        Once an old man was traveling by train on a pilgrimage to Brindavan. At night, whilst he was asleep, his wallet fell from his pocket. A co-passenger found it the next morning and enquired as to whom the wallet belonged. The old man said it was his. A picture of Sri Krishna inside the wallet was proof that the wallet really belonged to him.
        The old man then began to relate the story of the wallet. He soon had a group of eager listeners around him. Lifting up the purse for all to see, the old man said: This purse has a long history behind it. My father gave it to me years ago when I was a mere schoolboy. I kept my little pocket money in it and also a photograph of my parents.
        Years passed. I grew up and began studying at university. Like every youth, I became conscious of my appearance. I replaced my parents' photograph with that of my own and I would look at it often. I had become my own admirer.
        Then came marriage. Self-admiration gave way to the consciousness of a family. Out went my own picture and I replaced it with that of my wife's. During the day I would open the wallet many times and gaze at the picture. All tiredness vanished and I would resume my work with enthusiasm.
        Then came the birth of my first child. What a joy I experienced when I became a father! I would eagerly rush home after work to play with my little baby. Needless to say, my wife's picture had already made way for the child's.
        The old man paused. Wiping his tearful eyes, he looked around and said in a sad voice: Friends, my parents passed away long ago. My wife too died five years ago. My son- my only son- is now married. He is too busy with his career and his family. He has no time for me. I now stand on the brink of death. I do not know what awaits me in future. Everything I loved, everything I considered my own, has left me.
        A picture of the Lord now occupies the place in my wallet. I know He will never leave me. I wish now that I had kept HIS picture with me right from the beginning (and HIS thought in my mind)! He alone is true; all others are just passing shadows.
 

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